How to bring up going to therapy to your child this school year
So you may have noticed some changes in your teen and you’re wondering to yourself is this typical teenage behavior change or should I be worried about this?
Here are a few important things to remember when you bring up therapy to your teen.
Never use therapy as a punishment. “You have to go to therapy because of your nasty attitude towards me.” This will be a hurdle for future work.
Use I and we statements. Talk about your hopes for how getting help might help both of you / the family.
a. Example: I want us to be able to communicate better. Remember how we used play soccer outside on Sundays, I miss that.
b. I want us to feel supported as we explore options for post high school / college.
Go to therapy yourself. We learn by example at any age and it helps to normalize the experience.
Help give your teen as many choices as possible. This can look like looking at mental health professionals together and learning more about their preferences.
Remember that it may take you bringing it up more than once. Plant seeds.
Do not force your teen to go to therapy especially if there isn’t severe or dangerous symptoms presents such as risky drug use, and suicide ideation.
Be willing to not know everything your teen is talking to their therapist about. It will make the therapeutic process a lot easier.
Use this DEAR MAN (DBT) technique to start bringing up therapy to your teen:
Describe: Describe the situation factually without opinions. The goal is to increase everyone’s understanding and get on the same page.
Example: I’ve noticed that in the last two weeks you stayed in your room most days and no longer hang out with your friends.
Express: Let your teen know how you are feeling in two sentences or less.
Try using this line: “I feel ___ because ___ I need/want___.”
Example: I feel worried because of this change and I understand that you may not want to talk to me about it.
Assert: Communicate what you need/want.
Example: I would like for us to consider finding someone that you’d be willing to talk to that is confidential. And I’ll find a separate person for myself too.
Try not to say: Oh maybe I don’t know you need to talk to someone.
Reinforce: Say how it may help / be positive.
Example: Overtime this can help us work on
Communicating better / fight less
Feeling healthier and happier
This also can be a smile and/or thank you.
Mindful: Don’t get lost in the sauce of the conversation meaning don’t let what others say sidetrack you from your goal.
Example: if teen says you never went to therapy
Don’t get caught up in an argument about how that is not relevant.
Instead think: Be a broken record player and repeat yourself.
Appear confident: When we don’t appear confident others will pick up on it and possibly not take what we are saying as seriously. Try to stand up straight, make eye contact, and have a calm tone of voice.
Negotiate: We can’t have everything we want out of an interaction every time. Be open to negotiation and keep trying.